A common question about BDSM is: Why do we do it?
This can be tough to answer as each person has their own personal reasons for being into BDSM and I certainly can’t speak for every person. All I can tell them is that there are many reasons, and list a few. It’s sort of one of those things that they will never be able to understand if they don’t feel it themselves.
For some people, BDSM is a way to spice things up. Let’s be honest, not many people are satisfied over a long time by regular sex. Some people are, but many after years of just two people doing it get tired and start feeling unfulfilled. Usually these people end up just adding a little kinkiness, perhaps some tying down, some roleplaying, and a spanking or two. Some though go all the way to the hilt and find out BDSM is what was missing from their relationship.
Many people get into BDSM because they think it will get them laid. Honestly, to me that is the silliest reason to get into BDSM. There are far easier ways to get laid, and BDSM does not equal sex. For many, BDSM amounts to foreplay, but for others it is simply fun or a replacement for sex. I’ve met more people not into sex at all in the local BDSM community than I ever have outside of it. And just because someone is into sex and BDSM is like foreplay to them, doesn’t mean they are going to screw people. Being into BDSM does not mean the people are easy. There are lots of people who are monogamous or who are very picky about who they will be with. After a time, BDSM players tend to get pickier over who they will be with since they want a good match to play with, it’s not just about matching organs, it’s about matching play styles and orientations and chemistry. To top it all off, the same reasons the person joining just to get sex won’t get laid are the same reasons they can’t get laid in the regular dating scene. People into BDSM are the same as in day-to-day life, and the same things making the person not get sex will still be keeping them from getting sex. These people typically lose interest in a couple months as they figure out they still can’t get laid.
Some people are into BDSM because they want to abuse people. I’m not talking about consensual kink, agreed upon play, but rather people looking for an excuse to harm others and hiding behind the BDSM shield to do so. There are quite a few boundaries in place to prevent abuse, but abusers do troll the edges looking for newbies who won’t know better. There is a difference between abuse and kink, and it’s important to learn about BDSM in order to avoid bad people.
Some people are into BDSM because it’s fun. It’s that simple. For outsiders it may seem a strange reason since they can’t conceive of getting flogged or spanked as fun, but for some people it is. I laugh and giggle the entire time I play, whether swatting someone or getting swatted partially because it is incredibly fun to me. As with regular sex, it’s okay to have fun and enjoy oneself, although some communities look down on players that actually have fun.
BDSM is about costuming and posing for some people. There are people who just want to look a certain way and show off and use BDSM to do so. They’re often more concerned with appearances and outfits than how things actually feel or technique. Women often just want to look sexy in leather and corsets and many men just want to snap whips and pretend to be macho. Many communities even require people to dress certain ways to try to make everyone pretend. Personally, if it’s not evident already, I’m not partial to this sort of thing. To me, BDSM is about the doing, not the pretending and posing.
A good portion of BDSM players are into it because it fulfills their animalistic desires or as I often say, it soothes the inner beast. Modern civilization is very different than the environments humans originally evolved in, and there are some things that are no long kosher to do that once were regular aspects. We are animals and have evolved that way since our very origins, but we can no longer behave in that way because we are supposed to be civilized beings. The traits that made us flourish are still leftover in our hearts and souls though. Most people try to repress these feelings and traits, but what happens when you confine a wild beast? Repression makes these feelings build up and in some people they eventually break out in bad ways like depression, murder, or abuse. BDSM gives these traits a way out without harming other people. It allows us animals to behave like animals within a relatively safe, agreed upon, and confined situation. Whether you want to wrestle your prey into submission or act out your inner desires, when agreed upon by partners, you can let the beast out to play for a while. Personally, it really gives me a feeling of freedom and allows me to feel complete.
*Picture of me, AlishaV by me, AlishaV
*Always remember, BDSM is complex, and summarizing the concepts involved may make the summary inaccurate in some people’s eyes. Always use a wide variety of sources of information to come to a full reckoning of what BDSM is about and don’t just take mine or any other sole person’s word for it. The above is my viewpoint, and the good thing about BDSM is that it is personal and open to each person’s pov.
Copyright AlishaV 2013